Saturday, July 3, 2010

We used to have a machine

One of my favorite crafting magazines is Mary Maxim. Whenever this beautiful book arrives in the mail I look through it for hours. Thinking of all the projects I could make with things from this book. Using the patterns to make something similar on my own. Or drooling over new toys they have available for projects.

The latest is a small metal piece I still do not know the name of. But I head into Crafts Direct while visiting my aunt a month or so ago and wander to the fabric section. Four women are standing around talking about fabric pieces. Or whatever, I wasn't listening. I ask the small, kindly old woman who appears to have kept her makeup in a closet since 1955, or else she's been putting it on without washing it of since the same day. This makes me glad Caitlyn's not with me as the conversation starting with, "I just don't understand why you have so much makeup!" would not go well.

"Excuse me," I say, "I'm not sure what the name is, but you would put strips of fabric through this piece and they would fold the edges in so that if you want to make braided rugs, or crocheted rugs it will hide the frayed edges. Do you have it?"

"Oh yes!" She then heads to the back of the fabric section where a small shelf with various sewing paraphernalia is located. She stops, "We used to have a machine. I think we sold out."

I stare at her, expecting her to then ask someone else, walk down an aisle, or do something other than stare at me. What does she want from me? I already asked my question. I fulfilled my half of the customer-employee relationship here. She is still staring! "...ok?" I manage to get out. Thoroughly confused at her lack of ambition to find the item for me. Or ask the other three woman working with her either.

She then says, "Well lets check over here."

Oh good, maybe she can find it for me. That was weird.

We are down the aisle and she stops at a section of various brightly colored sewing things and says, "We used to have a machine, but I think we sold out of them."

I stare at her, still wondering what the hell is going on here. Almost expecting Candid Camera or something to come out but nope. She stands in front of me looking at me like that sentence made perfect sense and therefore I should be satisfied. I almost opened my mouth to ask if she would just ask her co-workers when she says "Hold on." Walks to the table with the fabric women and explains the item to them and asks if they know where it is.

"We used to have a machine." Pipes up one of the other women. Then dead silence. I felt a few brain cells pop and fizzle out as I stare at them all. Wondering how the hell they got this job in the first place. Then the second woman to tell me about the machine says. "Well I think they moved the stuff over here." And proceeds to lead us DIRECTLY to the spot we were just in and points at the items the Makeup Queen was in front of and says, "There, they are right here!"

We arrive at that point and the woman picks a piece up and says, "This goes to the machine, you see, we used to have a machine to do this. I think we sold out."

Nearing the point where I wanted to inform both women where they could shove the next shipment of said 'machine' I semi calmly ask. "Well, do you have something I can use withOUT a machine?

"Without? Oh, OH yes! Yes we do!" she reaches next to it and pulls up three pieces in different sizes and I chose the one I want and take it from her hand. Only to have her say again. "You see we used to have a machine. It would iron it for you and everything! But, we sold out."

"I see..thank you." I start to head away to hear the women talk to each other and the last sentence fading as I walk away was..."We used to have a machine..."

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Mother's Day

My mother's day this year was pretty laid back. Took Caitlyn to meet my parents, she was all dressed up for the occasion in the outfit my mom had given her for her birthday this year.

I had planned on making a hand print in some sort of cement thing, I'm not quite sure, I bought it at Walmart. But time got away from me. So we stopped at Walmart on the way to meeting them and I had her pick out the plant I was going to give my mom. Not sure why because the woman kills all plants. She loves them, she just kills them. Criminey, the woman's killed a cactus before, aloe plants, spider plants, flowers. You name it. She's killed it.

The first plant Caitlyn sees is an Orange Starflower. I've never seen it before but she was sold. "Ooooh It's beau-a-full" she stares and whispers. And promptly picks out the only plant that is as near to death as it could be without actually being dead. I found out that was the healthiest.

Now the card, these people knew what they were doing, the cards for Mother's Day was on the next shelf, right inside the door. She picks out a card with a flower on it because. "It has a flower on it. This is the card. Flowers are pretty. Grammy will like it."

At the restaurant we go through the buffet and my child. The one who will eat anything. Any. Thing. Refuses most of the food available. She would only take part of a muskmelon, grapes, strawberries and cream, and french toast. She only ate the grapes, strawberries, and two muffins my brother gave her. Sigh.

The waitress stopped to take our drink order and I say Caitlyn will have milk. She says of course. "No! I want juice. Apple juice." She leaves and Caitlyn yells, "Teacher! Where is my juice! TEACHER."

It was a nice visit. After the meal I took my mom shopping with Caitlyn and I while my dad and brother went and got their stuff done. We tried a cute little store with purses, hair clips, luggage, all custom. But sadly it was closed. So we just hit Walmart and wandered around for awhile. Until my dad and brother met us there. My dad sat at the entrance the entire time waiting 'patiently' for us to finish.

Since there's no one to do anything special for Mother's Day for me right now I bought myself the silverware I've been wanting for over a year now. No more cheapo stuff! Yay!

Hope everyone had a great day!

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Don't tell Dad

I've yet to surprise my mom for Mother's Day. Since we live 2 hours from her we rarely see her. I called my dad at work this week to ask him if he would be willing to bring her halfway and we would meet for lunch, a surprise.

He says he will check her schedule and give me call back as soon as he can.

That turned out to be about three days later. Today. He starts the conversation with. "This is your dad." Yes, thank you, I don't have caller ID on my cell phone and can't recognize your voice. Then continues with. "Your mom doesn't have to work on Sunday so I thought we would meet in Alexandria at (restaurant I can't remember but I know where the building is) because they have a $12.95 brunch for Mother's Day on Sunday. It's the building that Whiskey River used to be in. I'll pay for whoever is coming, you and Caitlyn?" (It was Whiskey Creek by the way) At the last comment I almost asked who the hell else I would randomly be bringing to brunch with my parents. But I didn't.

"You want us there at 10?" Realizing I'll have to miss church because he's trying to be frugal. I get it, he doesn't have to pay for Caitlyn and I, but he does have to pay for my brother who has no job. But he's my dad and I can't stop him from paying for us. Literally. He would occasionally allow us to pay for ourselves while I was married but now that I'm not, he pays. I know it's his way of making up for a lot of the stuff in childhood. So I let him. Plus, free food.

"Yep, and I told your mother so the surprise wouldn't be a shock to her system or anything. She knows. Can I talk to Caitlyn." at that Caitlyn runs from me because she's anti-phone right now with the excuse that "I just don't like talking all the time to people everyday on the phone." And speak with my mom for a bit. Caitlyn is barely willing to say a few words to my mom and then she's done. She has no phone etiquette. When she's done, she leaves. That's it.

So now we are having a Mother's Day brunch with my parents sans my sister. Which is always a good day.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Redneck Barbie

There are so many, many interesting things I have the privilege of hearing when my child is playing. Yesterday it was the story of Redneck Barbie.

I'm sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear out of nowhere from the other couch something along the lines of, "I don't have a mother. My mother gotted shot"

Say what? This is proper Barbie playing etiquette? I look over and realize a few things.

Firstly, the Barbie she's holding is wearing a Disney Princess dress and she wasn't the Princess, she was wrapped in a potholder and someone was using my brush on the doll's hair.

Secondly, the couch is covered in oddly dressed Barbies all covered in various potholders and washcloths. Which explains my lack of both items in the kitchen, but not where she hides them.

Then she continues the odd conversation, in which I can only assume she was another of the dolls. Because she only had one in her hand. "That's ok, your mother isn't really dead! She gotted kissed and she's ok now!" I'm not quite sure what all went on in this story but it sounded a bit odd to me, much like a redneck fairy tale.

Friday, April 30, 2010

She forgot

My age, that is. By she, I mean my mother. I'm slightly shocked considering how often she reminded me of how long she spend in labor with me before she got a c-section.

This afternoon I call her to check on her weekend plans. Figuring we could have lunch tomorrow and possibly she could bring me the toaster and microwave she promised. You see, when I moved from my house, I did not take the microwave because 1)Josh melted it with the waffle iron; 2)The new place had a microwave. But then I moved from the new place and this place did not come with a microwave. So I've lived without one since the end of February, it's not terrible, but life would be easier with a microwave. And I do love me some toaster strudel.

I find out she is busy and the remodeling hasn't gone as far as replacing the microwave so the conversation turns to her work. She worked with me in high school at the same grocery store and it has since closed, a few old coworkers now work with her at the hotel. I ask how they are doing and she says fine, that even the manager has noticed since this other woman left.

"What do you mean, she's noticed what?" I ask. Confused because I thought this manager was barely there.

"Well she gets a lot less phone calls since she's no longer working there. It's a lot easier now since someone else is doing the work. I thought the other girl was your age. Twenty-four. She's not! She's thirty or thirty-one. She just acted fifteen or sixteen." she pauses.

"Uh mom, I'm twenty-six."

"What? Wait, eighty-four..." she trails off and I hear my brothers laughter in the background. "Yeah, I guess you are! I remembered Dustin's birthday last week." (I didn't. Oops.)

"And how old is he?"

"Twenty-two." She sounds happy with this knowledge.

"I'm four years older than him, if I were twenty-four you'd have had three kids, three years in a row." She remembers his age but not mine?

"Well I can never remember your dad's age. If that means anything." She's aiming for consoling here.

I sigh.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

One. Week.

I can do this. I can. Just one week. It's not even like it's the absolute worst week of my life. It's just a bunch of catty brats at school, all older than 35. That's nearly 10 years older than me. And yet, they act like 15 year-old girls. Now, I couldn't stand 15 year-old girls when I was one.

So to hear that there are rumors going around. To deal with the women talking about me behind my back and pretending to be my 'friend' at all other times. These are things I don't take well. Right now I'm making the best of it and ignoring them completely. It may not be the most mature way of dealing, but it beats swear words.

I barely made it into the door today and heard the loud, annoying voice arguing with another loud voice about who's Fibromyalgia is worse. At least the second woman has the brains to announce "You know, I really don't want to have this conversation. I'm not going to talk about this anymore" only the other one continues arguing with someone who is no longer responding. This woman, the still arguing woman, is in her sixties. Yes, you read that right. Sixties. Or at the very least, late fifties.

One. More. Week. And I'm done with this woman for three months. Three months of sweet, precious freedom before I have two more classes with her and then nothing. With any luck, I will not have to see her ever again. This is amazing.

Keep me in your thoughts. There's still one more week to go. Just one though. Five days, just over twenty hours of class time.

Oh! But I get to take my pathophysiology final at home. With notes. There is some good things left.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

In which I do not give plasma. Again

I went back to the Biolife center on Friday. I sign in and go to start my questionnaire. However when I hit the computer screen to get it started the machine informs me that I can not continue and I must speak with someone at the desk. I then go over to the desk and tell the men (argh!) there and they inform me I have something wrong in my file and I need to sit down.

I sit down for a few minutes and wait. Then a woman calls my name and tells me that I have been infinitely deferred because of my address. They are not allowed to accept me because I live more than 100 miles away and why on earth would I be there? I explain, "I am doing my Medical Administrative Assistant AAS and I chose to do this as a topic of my final paper. I thought that if I was able to donate plasma myself it would add to the paper."

"Well that makes sense. Have a seat and I'll see what I can do." and she leaves me in the waiting room.

A few minutes later she calls me into her office just off the waiting room to talk to her about the problem. I'm aware of two things, 1) People who are asked to be seated and wait generally have something wrong with them. Be it a disease that prohibits them from donating, or protein levels. 2) This woman has very strange hair and no matter how much gel she uses, she won't be able to hide her scalp. Thin hair is very strange for me to see since I have extremely thick hair.

She then says "Well why are you here?"

"I have family in town that I come to visit and thought I would continue donating."

"We can't take you unless you can prove where you live in town here. You need an envelope with that address and your name on it before you can donate again. I'm sorry it wasn't communicated to you better." she stares at me.

"Ok? So I can't donate today?" I'm confused. They are turning down plasma because of an address problem?

"No, I'm sorry."

Sigh. I drove two hours with Caitlyn for nothing. I spent the weekend with my family, so it wasn't a total loss. Still I was annoyed with their practices.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

In which I (attempt) to give plasma

I've thought about it for a long time. Ok so I was originally dragged in because they give you money, and all you have to do is allow them to put a needle in your vein. Now, a few years ago I would have said "ALL you have to do? ALL. Needle, vein, HELLO!" But I would like to think I've calmed down since then. Or I just need money and this is stuff I can make without trying. Who knows.

But I made the original appointment and when I had to miss class, I had to cancel it because it is two hours away and the class is Coding. Coding is an evil bitch in a 2000 plus page book, and a few other books that are a few hundred pages and you use them much like a dictionary, and cross reference the numbers. Confused yet? Me too. And I have two weeks left in the semester.

So, I rescheduled the appointment for last Friday and arrange a time to meet my friend Emily for supper. I then get lost on the way there because apparently the people who wrote Mapquest have never actually driven the roads they claim to know and it hasn't been updated in three years (how do I know this? My aunts house isn't even ON mapquest, but this isn't the point) so they of course give me the wrong streets. I find a gas station to pee at because they had told me to drink a lot of water, and I'd finished two bottles of water before the trip. I had to stop twice to pee on that trip. The girl at the counter was kind enough to give me directions in women-speak (meaning only left or right because I start to drool if you say North, South, East and West) And I follow her directions and get there with 15 minutes to spare, but there was almost no parking. Sigh. I squeeze my tiny Focus into a spot and head into the building with the paperwork they require. Forgetting my book in my haste of finding the paper work. I realize I will be spending the entire time reading old magazines. Sigh.

At first I see this bright, clean and huge place filled with medical machines whirring away and a ton of files at the front desk and I then realize I may need to speak with some guy at the front. Now I don't know why, but men at the desk asking me my health history make me panic. I don't want to talk to you about anything, go away. But of course. I get the man. Luckily I am sent back with a woman who scans my right middle finger for id purposes. Then verifies my identification paper work and fills it out. They run into a problem because my ZIP isn't on their 'ok' list so she gets the Supervisor, a woman in her thirties who stares me down and says snottily, "Why are you here?" Uh to give plasma, bitch. What the fuck do you think I'm doing? Playing golf?

But instead, I say calmly "I have family in town." and and she stares a minute longer before saying "You check this box" waits for her to do it and then walks away. After this she brings me over to the end of the large square counter where she says she'll test my blood for iron levels.

She first has me scan my finger then she says she will be pricking the other hand to not compromise the scan for the rest of that day. She first pricks my middle finger on the left, "Ok, that didn't hurt at all!" I think "Which means it didn't work" and it didn't. She couldn't get blood. She says "Did you drink water today "Yes!" I almost say "I had to stop twice to pee on the way here!" But I realize this is not necessary. So she pricks the ring finger and this time it HURT. So of course it worked and she got enough blood. But then it just kept bleeding. Hmph. I attempt to hold the gauze on the two fingers and then realize I would need my right hand. I move my hand to do it and she says "You are not supposed to hold it with that hand." I nod and set the gauze on the counter "You are not supposed to set the gauze on the counter. You can not let the wounds open to the air on the floor, you can either use the gauze or a bandaid." I grab two bandaids and she helps me get them on.

Then it's weight time. Like any normal woman, I remove my shoes, which are flip-flops, and step on. I'm leaning forward to see the number because I weighed myself before I left and I knew the number. Their number was higher, by about ten pounds. I was about to inform her that their scale was obviously broken. She then looks over and says "Don't lean forward. Oh you are not supposed to have bare feet in here at all! You need to put your shoes back on." I resist the urge to stick out my tongue and put my flip-flops back on and step onto the scale, not leaning forward. She then tells me she got the weight. This time it was only six pounds higher, still. Their scale is broken.

She then takes me to complete my computer work about my health history and to read the forms online. I scan my finger in at the front to check if I am in the system, I am. I then go to the computer with the woman and scan again. She says to make sure the screen looks like this. I nod and start the questionnaire. I hit the first "Yes" that I want to begin and she stops me. And proceeds to speak to me about how to use a touch screen for five minutes. I nearly stopped her to say, "Lady, it's a stupid touch screen. You touch it. You read it, you touch it. What the hell do you need to talk about?" Instead I nod and smile. She finally leaves and I'm in peace. YES! Finish the computer work quickly and then take a seat to wait for the next RN.

The RN comes out quickly. Leads me to an office and starts her questions. She takes my heart rate, blood pressure and checks my body for markings and problems through clothing. Makes me walk around a bit and has me sit down. Then asks about piercings, tattoos, surgeries, diseases etc. Marks all of my piercings, even the long closed ones, and tattoos on a small cartoon person on the paper and if the hole is open or closed. How long I've had it, and so on. Once finished she gives me a bottle of water and tells me to choose a snack. I grab the Cheez-it grips. Do not ever do this. These are baby finger sized. I dropped half of them on the waiting room floor and got down to clean it up because I knew that they knew I had them. I also knew these people had needles, and they were going to use them in my vein.

I grab two magazines because I left my book at home. They call me to the back and I think "Do not let me be put with Hotty McHotpants over there." I'm not, but I'm still put with a guy. I was not impressed because when I had first arrived a cute little woman was in charge of that section. So I sit in the strangely shaped chair and wait for the man to come and put things in my veins. Listening to the whir and swoosh from the machines. He comes over and starts what I think is a blood pressure cuff at first. He then says it is a tourniquet and it will help him not check on the needle so often.

My right arm is chosen, even though the machine is on my right, so the tubing is stretched over my lap. Which makes me realize that I will be looking at my blood for over an hour, sitting in my lap. I'm not squeamish but this is weird. He gets the blood for the two vials he needs. But the blood isn't moving as fast as he'd like. I'm not surprised because my right arm is a bitch in medical procedures. It just is. So he has the other man come over and mess with the needle a bit, which hurts. And he messes with it, which hurts. I think about hitting them but remember that they have a needled still inserted in my arm and this would be a bad idea.

After the messing they determine my other arm will have to do. This vein is marked by a woman, then swabbed and inserted. When they go to rehook me to the machine they can't open the tubing again. She runs for two pairs of pliers. The tubing is finally reopened and they find that my blood has clotted in the tubes and is therefore not safe to put back in my body. I was slightly disappointed because I wanted to see my plasma. However I left there $20 richer. With four extra holes of course. But still, it didn't take as long as I had thought so I was happy.

Monday, April 19, 2010

It's Monday

And I feel it. So far:

Caitlyn has faked illness to stay home from daycare and watch cartoons. She claimed a stomachache and since I wasn't really inclined to test it and feel her throw up on my back going 60 miles an hour. I decided to stay home today.

I then inform the mini-liar "No, you can not have candy for breakfast. You can have a bowl of cereal." I take out the cheerios, pour, and look for milk. And look, and look. Oops. I guess in my haste of cleaning out the fridge yesterday I threw away the good milk along with the rotten. Sigh.

"I've got cheese cake flavored yogurt, with graham cracker crumbs!" I tear it open and let her lick the foil and she makes a face. "BUT it's CHEESECAKE FLAVORED!" I insist, thinking, "What the hell is wrong with this child. This is good stuff." Try it again, nothing.

So she gets dry cereal and a stupid candy bracelet. You win some, you lose some.

I inform her then that no, we can't go to the park. She is sick, remember? "I said I was a LITTLE sick. It's gone now!" She insists. "No." This one, I'm sticking too.

She again asks why we can't go and I say, only half joking, "You are a dirty liar."

"I am NOT a DIRTY liar!" and crosses her arms.

"Are you a clean liar?" I'm confused. Mostly she was upset with the dirty part, not the liar part.

"Yes, a very CLEAN liar!" and smiles.


She then finds her erasers shaped like ice cream and gives me the chocolate looking one and says, "If you go to school, then you need this. Look at me. Do you understand?"

I know I use the "Do you understand? Look at me!" a lot. But really, she doesn't need to use it on me!

Let's see how the rest of the day goes.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010


I spent my evening with Caitlyn. I rented Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. (Somewhere in there I probably got the caps wrong but it's late and I'm on sinus infection drugs. Over the counter. Sleepy kind. I hearts them hardcore.) And took the lazy way out, we had lunchables. Well, she had one and I had a deli creation that was nomtastic (except for the part that they forgot the cheese, which Summer tells me if I complain they will send me a free coupon. I'm debating. Right now I'm two parts lazy one part I-don't-know-where-to-look. We'll see if it shifts.)

Turns out, she's already seen the movie so she had no interest so we colored and spent time watching iCarly and Spongebob while she was upset that she couldn't find Ella Enchanted. Sometime in the past few weeks I'm down about 10-15 movies. I think someone small and blond took them and put them in a much better storage spot other than the DVD shelf. After all, why would the dvd's need to be on a piece of furniture named for them when they can be stored in her kitchen set's refrigerator next to the chocolate Teddy Grahams. Now, why didn't I consider this spot?

This was followed by a fun time at the park before I handed her back to her dad for a few days. She brought her 'pony baby' which for those of you not up on children's toys, is a My Little Pony that looks somewhat like a mutated baby doll and it sings. She has two. I got her one for her birthday that is louder and sings a longer song. Sometimes she sings it under the bed because I hide her. But that is our secret. The other one is a bit more loved, and it's singing and speaking mechanism that is supposed to only go off when you push the button, is wore out. So you look at the wonderful little thing and it begins speaking to you. This is great fun and in no way at all incites an eye twitch and possible violence out of me. I swear.

Well, while she was playing on the equipment I was in charge of the lovely toy, yet another thing named Ella in Caitlyn's life (Our fish, formerly known as Mama, followed by Ratches, is now Ella, she has a cat at her grandparents house named Ella as well. Three guesses to what her favorite movie is.) And I made the mistake of leaving "Ella" on the side of the slide part while helping Caitlyn with other climbing only to be told, "You do not watch babies very well. She likes the stairs. Don't worry. I can teach you how to take care of babies." So she moves the toy farther away, out of sight and promptly runs 100 feet in the opposite direction to play with something else. Leaving me once again in charge of watching her baby "Ella"

Can I just say that while I love spring. I do not, however, love the sinus infection that accompanies any season change. Thank you sinuses for betraying me a few times a year and making me feel like I'm looking through binoculars from the pressure. I can not tell you how much I appreciate this. It's right up there around the wonderful singing toy I hide. If only I could hide the sinus infection, I may like it a bit more.

Hope all of your days are going great!

Thursday, April 8, 2010

The beginning of a book worm (I hope)

Growing up my mom read to us every night before bed. The three of us would normally take turns choosing the book to read. I sat in and listened long after the need for a bedtime story was there because I love reading, and the sound of someone reading aloud is something I love. Plus, the sound of my mom's voice reading to me before bed was just something I was so used to that I knew I'd miss it when she stopped reading to the younger two.

For awhile last year I was able to read to Caitlyn before bed. We'd go through a few stories, and practice her bible verse for Sunday school, and her verse and lines for the Christmas play. There was just a few, but reading a short story between each practice was exciting to her. However, the circumstances in the house at the time messed with our routine and made things more difficult. Especially since someone would complain that I would read to her with the door open to my bedroom.

We've started this again. And I love it just as much as she does. It's the end of the day routine for us now, she picks out one or two books to read, and if I have her verse for that month, we'll rehearse it. If not, we just continue with the stories. Right now I'm working my way through The Lamb by John Cross. It's the child version of The Lamb on the Road to Emmaus, which explains God's plan from creation to Christ. I love the version for kids, though the picture of the sacrificed lamb was a bit much, I understand its need and she took it in stride so it was okay after all. The book is separated into chapters, each of which have questions, usually one word, simple answer ones. Each question repeating most of the previous question, easy for kids to answer. And it is amazing to hear her grasp things and be able to repeat answers and be excited about having them right.

I'm hoping that after this, she'll love reading as much as I do. I remember when I started to read I worked my way through all our childhood books quickly, I was a regular at the local library, the school library, and when I was finally able to use the high school library I was ecstatic. I still love to read. I have boxes, totes, bookshelves and even a dresser filled with them. Most of which I've read numerous times. If I keep it, I will read it over and over and over again.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Things you don't want....

Are sometimes the things you need. In my case it came in the form of a presentation. In my Medical Language Applications class a partner presentation is required. This year the instructor chose our partners and our topics (I'm told this is because of a particularly heated abortion topic from last year. However, since I was not in the class, I wouldn't know.)

This was all fine and dandy. I only wanted two things, well three, I didn't want to be partnered with two women in my class because I can't handle them. And I didn't want to have the topic of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) because it reminds me of the end of Josh and I, a not really difficult topic since I am happier. But I don't want the memories. The memories are the dirty nasty bitches who won't leave me alone and I finally got to stop calling me names and reminding me constantly that I am not good enough for anyone. That I won't find anyone. I fought them off after months of giving into them, I realized that by telling me all those horrid things, it was just the only way to make sure I stayed there, I didn't have the strength to leave. Because what if he was right?

PTSD was something that I heard about for non-stop. The warning signs, the symptoms, the phone numbers. All the while reminded by military men that I was not as important as The Soldier. The Soldier should be put first. The Soldier should not be reminded that home life was still going on. That it was hard. That I was hurting. The Soldier's sole focus should be on The Mission. I was not The Mission. And once he was home, they reminded me again of PTSD. That I shouldn't aggravate him. That I should let him acclimate at his own leisure. Only..he didn't. Things got worse. There was no acclimation to normal life again because the man that I got back from Iraq was not the one I had sent. And on top of all those things. On top of his meanness and belittling was the line. "Stop arguing with me. You're aggravating my PTSD" was his 'joking' way of getting out of an argument. Of getting his way.

Doing this presentation made me realize that he may have had a bit of it. But in the end, he is the one who created it in ME. I avoid so many things I used to enjoy because of him. Things I loved once, I can't even think about doing again. Most of all, it has made me even more terrified of verbal arguments in a relationship. Because I remember the belittling, the yelling, being told so many untrue and unnecessary things (don't feel too bad, I said my fair share of mean things myself. Only after I was provoked already, and only after I started working again, and started feeling like I was a person again. It took me a long time to stand up and say I'm better than that. I don't need to be treated like this. Maybe it was too late, maybe it just was and what happened needed too. I know that in so many, many ways I'm better off. Still my heart hurts for my baby. Who's sole request right now is to have us live in one house and I can't. Even if he could. I couldn't. I couldn't go back to the person I was. The person I am now would destroy his little world because I won't put up with anything now. That got long...)

So, in the end, I needed to do some research on what REAL PTSD is. To understand it, to acknowledge it, to learn more about myself and find ways to be ok with things I can't fix, and fix things I can.

It's been a long year, part of it terrible, part of it wonderful. But now things are looking up. Finally, my life isn't about what is best for The Soldier. I hope one day they realize that by completely focusing on The Soldier, they destory The Wife and The Family before it's too late. But now, anything military makes me twitch so I'm not going there.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

SciFi always disappoints...

Oh sorry, it is now "Syfy" because apparently, the switch from 'ci' to 'y' makes it some how more, Science Fictiony. Or someone woke up one day, had to put the transparent writing in the corner of the shows and thought "Eff this. I'm tired of looking at the same logo every single day" and the 'y' was born.

Yeah, I've got too much time on my hands.

Currently I'm watching ...well crap it's something Ark. Archeology Ark? I'm not sure. The woman who played Gabrielle in Xena stars though. Who naturally is the long lost descendant of a tribe of people sworn to protect the earth and the secret of some monster (Hello plot of Mummy) who of course doesn't know she is because her parents died, she was raised by her grandmother who conveniently dies when she is 16, three years before she is to be told of her heritage and the old bat doesn't think to leave a letter for her to open on her 19th birthday and no one is in search of her. So instead of protecting the secret, she's part of the team who unleashes the apocalypse. Chaos, mayhem, and bad special effects ensue (it wouldn't be the Syfy channel without bad special effects. Jus' sayin')

So they run around trying to catch the monster with a large army Sergent in charge who mostly just threatens to kill people instead of actually doing much other than missing the creature entirely, or not learning that bullets won't penetrate its skin.

My big question. If these people can't kill it with any modern weapons (which lets face it, out rank any weapons of biblical times in creativity of explosions alone) how the hell is the creature held in some 'dog wood box' when the thing can pretty much pick up a military Humvee and throw it like a football.

The ending? The creature in it's miracle dog wood box with a large "Property of The Church. Do Not Open" on it, the camera goes wide and dum dum dum... shows dozens to hundreds of other boxes the same size or larger than said box. Oh the possibilities for terrible sequels.

But hey, kudos for the logo change. I know it's made the shows much more believable to me.

And that's a random Saturday rant for you. It could have been avoided if I'd just remembered the fact that Syfy shows (other than Sanctuary) annoy the living pee out of me.

I would have read, however I set the book on the couch and went to get it later, it was gone. I ask Caitlyn and she says "Oh hey! I found a book on the couch." "Great, what did you do with it?" "Huh? It's not there." looks on couch "It's not there!" (She did bring it to me much later when I was already absorbed in watching a show. Having put it under the couch when she found it.

Hope everyone's weekend is going great!

Monday, March 22, 2010

New Beginnings

There are a lot of things that I'd like to change about myself (don't we all want to change a few things?) and I'm getting on the right track.

First of all. I'm a huge pack rat. I can always find a reason to keep something. I store it in a box with other things that I have a very good reason for keeping also, and put it into the closet. Organized. Surprisingly, my closets are VERY well organized. I just don't know what's in them exactly. (Other than oodles and oodles of yarn, that is...) But I do know, that I had a good reason for keeping said item. Just don't ask me what it is when the box is taken out and gone through later on. Because honestly. I got nothing.

Two moves in the past year have forced me to shed myself of much unneeded clutter. So now, I'm into a one bedroom apartment, with much storage space that is quite organized (again, don't ask me what all is in said boxes.)

In the rest of my house, I'm known for not being that organized. I've always held the "It lays out so I know where it is when I need it" attitude. Which of course, I do not know exactly where it is. I can narrow it down to an area, but exactly? Nope. I've gotten quite a bit better from living with the Anal-Retentive-Control-Freak who shall not be named. Now it bothers me to have a lot of things just sitting out. So I'm actually a lot more organized in that area of my life as well. And getting better since I've started settling into this place.

So I've conquered my ignorance of cleaning. Even my car is cleaned on average of once a month (vacuumed etc.) Now onto other hurdles!

Starting with....dum dum dum. Weight (whatelse?) I know what has pushed me to this. A combination of factors, bad diet, no planning, I don't eat a lot, but I drink a LOT of my calories. I don't eat breakfast, but eat before I go to bed quite a bit. I don't exercise nearly enough. And so...I've talked to friends. Kristin, who lives 2 hours from me will be my phone buddy since we both have struggled with weight most of our lives. She lost quite a bit right after high school but gained about 2/3 of it back through the past 3 or so years through the same things I did. Combined with a lot of partying in the beginning. So right now, she's not that near to her original weight, but she's not at a place that she finds comfortable either. And she will be my phone buddy because we aren't ashamed of saying what we did during the day. Struggles, successes, foods we ate etc. Also, we can't lie to each other.

The friend that lives closer, Becky, would be able to work out with me on an odd schedule when she doesn't have her two kids. SO I have two people to keep me accountable this time around.

It's very nice outside so Caitlyn and I will be spending a lot more time outside, which is great. Just running around with her and going for walks while she's on her bike will be great for both of us this spring, summer, and fall. I can't wait! She loves her bike and I love that she's FINALLY figured out peddling.

So expect periodic updates here about how things are going.

Because hell, if I can get my clutter and cleaning under control, my weight issue might as well give up without a fight. Just ask my mother and the 1239093248320 fights we had while I was living at home to clean my room. She'll tell you.

Thursday, March 4, 2010


Welp. Today I officially sucks as a mom. I used tap water to house Caitlyn's little fish. Ultimately killing them I'm sure.

The icing on the cake? She fed them yesterday, a lot. She takes this HUGE chunk of food out of the can and as I'm saying "NO! Not that much! TOO MUCH. THAT'S TOO MUCH!" She dumps it in. I sigh loudly and inform her that fish don't need that much food. Too much food will kill the fish.

Then today? The poor little fish are dead. Upside down on the bottom of the bowl. Not sure how THAT works. But they were. So I have to wash them all out, and get the bowl ready for the next one. I may get some sort of beta plant if we go the beta way like I'm thinking. Those things are hearty.

Now, I'm just trying to figure out how to tell Caitlyn her fish, Mama and one little baby are dead. Poor girl. She's sharp and she's got a memory like a steel trap (Which is quite unfortunate for me in many, MANY situations. But that's another topic) so I know she's going to remember the conversation about too much food equals dead fish. And she'll blame herself. I'm sure it was a combination of a lot of things that killed the lil guys, but in the end. My baby is going to cry. And I'm going to feel three inches tall and like the biggest meanie in the world for telling her that right before they die.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Lazy Day

I love my family. I really do. It's just that spending extended amounts of time with them make me cringe. I can't handle my sister in doses longer than a few hours. Today was one of those days where I was forced to.

Caitlyn adores her for the most part, so she spent most of her day with Kayla playing. I had to constantly remind them it was not okay to scream indoors. Yes, a 22 year old woman needed reminding of this, in a mall no less.

We also made a trip to the pet store in the mall, I decided it was finally time to get Caitlyn the fish I've been thinking about for months. She picked out the pink fish. I'm not sure of the name. But we got two since it was buy one get one. She has decided to call them "Mama and one little baby" She is right, the smaller follows the larger one around and snuggles up to it all the time. I also found her a medium sized bowl with bright colored stones (hot pink and purple, a few red) and a little neon 'house' for them. She's fed them once and loves them.

The rest of the shopping day was a bit much. Caitlyn was over tired and having fits left and right with no help from my mother and sister, who would much rather just give her things to quiet her down than let her understand it is not okay to yell at her mother. So at this time. I'm tired and frazzled and annoyed but otherwise okay.

So now I'm settling down for some mind-candy and relaxing for the evening. Hoping she'll fall asleep soon.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Another first

Today was one more first for Caitlyn. Her first trip to the dentist. She did wonderful.

She had the woman who is normally my hygienist, and I love her. She's very patient with Caitlyn. I had a check up in July and took Caitlyn with me and the woman allowed Caitlyn to take the Xrays of my teeth and play with things around the room. She also has a young daughter so that helped, I'm sure.

Caitlyn was all excited and got dressed up to go today. We get there and she hops right on the chair, unfortunately started crying immediately. After a few minutes of the hygienist allowing her to play with the instruments and showing her what she would be doing. testing the water and air, the sucker, Caitlyn was set to have her teeth looked at. We tried the Xrays right away but she was having none of it. So it was the checkup and cleaning first.

The woman even gave her a pair of zebra sunglasses to wear while she worked on her teeth. She let Caitlyn use the sucker to get any water or paste from her mouth. Caitlyn got to pick out her own fluoride (I'd completely forgotten about fluoride treatments for kids. I remember having to sit there for 20 minutes at time biting down on those stupid Styrofoam trays. No more! Now it's some sort of foam and just a minute for the top and the bottom! She picked Cherry Cheesecake flavor *double yuck from me*) And she did a wonderful job using the sucker while biting down on the trays.

Afterward we tried once more to get her to take the Xrays but the tray for that is just too big for her little mouth. So we'll give it a try next time. And my favorite Dr. checked her over, so I was happy. I do not like his new partner and eventually, successor. I don't know that I will stay once he is gone. He's such a sweet man. And its a shame because I do love Megan, the hygienist.

She was then allowed to pick out a toothbrush to go with her new toothpaste and floss, which she was very excited about since she watches me use mine. They even had character toothbrushes for kids! She picked out the Cinderella one and then got to pick out a prize for being so good, and a sticker! This trip was absolutely amazing. My fear of her throwing up on the Dr. was not needed (hey, in my defense this HAPPENED in my family. Everytime we went my sister threw up the fluoride because she didn't understand that she wasn't supposed to SWALLOW it while it was in her mouth.)

My baby is getting so big! How did this happen?

We then get some lunch at the gas station (Taco John's, don't ask, it's rural Minnesota) and I playfully squeeze her neck only to have her yell "You BROKE something!" sigh.

Other good ones from today? During laundry folding she pulls out her underwear from the dryer and yells "Mama! Touch my underwear! They are warm!" and a few minutes later "I will give you $20 to wash this wall" I'm not sure why since it was the laundry room wall.

Constant source of entertainment, she is.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Insert Creative Title Here

Welp, all moved. It took 4 trips with my car, my parent's van and my grandpa's truck last Saturday. Things went relatively well until the third trip when my dad and brother started bickering (frankly I'm surprised it took that long, usually it starts right away)

The day started with them arriving at 9am and us still pretty much asleep. Ok, I was a zombie and she was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed that her grammy and grampy and Dustin were coming JUST to see her! (This is her own delusion. I didn't point out that they were moving us so they had an agenda other than seeing her...)

Around about the second or third trip we got things from my bedroom. Imagine my horror when we move the bed and discover the teeniest, tiniest corner of an unmentionable wrapper which caused my brother to sputter and skedaddle for about an hour unable to look at me.

They (dad and brother) destroyed my dvd cabinet I bought about 4 years ago. It was literally on it's last leg so it was ok. Just annoying. I bought something completely different, takes up less space and of course, is crooked. Not to mention as I was putting it together I find this strange looking tether, with directions to tether said shelf to the wall. My exact reaction was to say out loud "Well this inspires oodles of confidence in your product."

This week flew by because naturally, I haven't had much work in about a month until THIS VERY WEEK I put in my normal school hours plus an extra 10 for work, and went back to clean the other place and dealt with a bit of homework (re:10 page test, two tests, no wait three other tests this week) And also, I've been up past 1 every single night just because it's my place and I can now. Plus, free cable is making my brain turn mush. Vh1 reality shows. Hmph.

I did fairly well on all of the tests this week, thankfully. Was planning on visiting my aunt this weekend but my place still looks disastrous, instead of cleaning and unpacking I am blogging. And staring down the home-made playdough mess that someone made on my table. Promising of course to clean it all up. She did not.

So this weekend will be filled with lots of cleaning and organizing. Not to mention my baby's first dentist appointment is tomorrow. *tear* The one earlier this month was canceled because she had the flu and I didn't feel like chancing her throwing up all over the dentist. Though if she gets Dr. Bitchy McWhore the new woman instead of the sweet old man I'm used to I may pray for vomit. We shall see.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Chicken Pot Pie and a few other things...

I'm on the last few nights in this apartment. Waiting to get everything over to my new place. I've taken a few loads over there and found some random things. I hate that part of moving. I found the scrapbook I made of Josh and I for our wedding. All the "Love never dies" kind of stickers makes my heart hurt. Not because I want him back. Because I don't. But the two kids, and yes, looking at those pictures of us at barely 20 years old it strikes me that we look so young, had a long, bumpy and slightly unfair road ahead of them. But in those pictures, we were in love and couldn't wait to spend the rest of our lives together. Head in the clouds and nothing could go wrong attitude. Not to mention my ridiculous eyebrows. Yikes.

Oh how things change. With a sigh I carefully tucked that scrapbook full of memories into the box I'm saving for Caitlyn when she gets older. She deserves to see those things. They are no longer mine. (Also, much better eyebrows six years later. Jus' sayin')

Fast forward a few minutes and I open another box, to find the letters I'd bought shortly after we were married to hang above the entry way in our new home. It never happened. Those letters, were our last name. I'm not even sure what I'm going to do with them because I don't have a need for them and keeping them for Caitlyn when she grows up would be pointless.

I then come home and get a huge paper cut on my finger taking my textbook out of my bag. Realizing I took all my medical supplies to the new place. I text my friend Becky "So I said to myself, "Self, you can take all the bandaids to the new place, what could happen in the next day and a half?" Self is stupid. Huge ass papercut is what could happen. "

She shows up with her kids to help me pack and organize a bit later and hands me a box when she walks in the door. Of bandaids. I had a laugh my butt off moment because it was really unexpected but just another reason why I love her. She's been my rock through out this whole situation and I can't thank her enough.

Bridgette can't stand her (they graduated together) and went off on me the other week about spending time with Becky because I'd had issues with her before. She even went as far to yell "You can HAVE Becky. I don't want her as a friend" I stared at her during the fight thinking to myself "Did you really just GIVE me a friend? What the hell makes you think she wants to be your friend after this anyway?" Mostly I just blinked at her wondering if someone could really be that big of an ass. FYI. They can. Now it's become a joke between Becky and I.

Off to eat my chicken pot pie. I'm not sure what insane person decided celery would be a good idea and potatoes would not but I hate them. A lot.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

New Places

Welp, I signed the paperwork for the new place today. Brought in some stuffs as well. I'm excited. I just want to be MOVED. I don't want to actually MOVE my belongings. Sigh.

It was one hectic day today, getting to school, working on a case study, which as it turns out is basically answering a bunch of questions relating to one specific type of illness for Pathophysiology. This class is going to kick my butt. Right now I'm pulling a B. I'm not sure how much longer that is going to last. It's gonna be a lot of work to keep my grade up in that class, that's for sure. Stupid diseases.

Then had to make a bank run and ended up being 15 minutes late for the lease signing, the woman was nice about it. I've been early all other times I've had to meet her so it's not like I'm consistently late. Got home, packed more and worked on homework for like 3 hours. And somehow it is nearly 1am. I'm not sure how that happened but I want the two hours I lost somewhere in there back!

Monday, February 15, 2010

Get Thee to a Nunnery!

Every year I go on a ladies retreat with my friends and family (the family I've claimed as my own that is...) This is the 4th year in a row that I've been able to make it. The Chartreuse Buzzards. It's an entertaining time away from life and it takes place currently at, you guessed it, a convent.

I really needed the time away and to relax for a bit after the hellacious year that I've had, combine divorce with evil whore friends who stab you in the back and you get part of the jist of what I've been through. Still going through.

But for five days I get to leave all that and just be me. Not mommy, not ex-wife, not ex-friend, not student, just me. The me I was before I was all those things. It's nice. Of course coming back to be mommy is nice too :) I miss the pumpkin pie while I'm away, after all!

This year was a Mexican theme. We did some crafts that at some point I will update this post and add pictures once I figure out HOW to do so. And spent a lot of time eating terribly wonderful sweets.

Some of the highlights of this year were playing Buzzword with Kristin, Emily, Kathy (Kristin's actual sister) Meranda (Kristin's roommate and my friend), and Tiffany (cousin of Kristin and Kathy) I grew up with Kristin and Emily.

Things said during the game:
Someone as Kristin's having a fit about losing (it was a SMALL fit) "Kristin! It's OK to lose, you know."
Kristin: "I KNOW I just don't WANT to."

A celebration in Boston with the Buzzword of "Cotton"
Emily shouts out "COTTON Picking!" Kathy also answered these ALL as "Cotton Ball" didn't matter that it had already been used.

Emily misreading "Cows grazing over the hill" As "CROWS grazing over the hill" and a discussion was had about what animals do and do NOT graze.

Meranda mispronouncing "Polish Pope" As the polish the furniture version. Much confusion was had.

Also, we were very nearly hit by a train. There is a lot of bumps near the tracks, combine this with the ice and snow building up and we got stuck, with a train not too far from us slowly starting to back up. Tiffany, Meranda and I got out and pushed the car off the tracks, only by digging our feet into the other set of tracks and pushing as hard as we could as Kristin gunned the engine...she rocked out of the dip slowly only to continue driving down the road with one foot out of the car yelling "WOOO HOOO" and Tiffany, Meranda and I running after her yelling "STOP Kristin, STOP!" for a few dozen feet.

All in all, I am glad to be home but excited for next years retreat at the same time! This time around it is DISNEY themed. Can. Not. Wait. Not to mention the fact that I probably have enough Disney paraphernalia around this joint to decorate a castle. But I always figured having a little girl came with any and all things Disney.