Things you don't want....

Are sometimes the things you need. In my case it came in the form of a presentation. In my Medical Language Applications class a partner presentation is required. This year the instructor chose our partners and our topics (I'm told this is because of a particularly heated abortion topic from last year. However, since I was not in the class, I wouldn't know.)

This was all fine and dandy. I only wanted two things, well three, I didn't want to be partnered with two women in my class because I can't handle them. And I didn't want to have the topic of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) because it reminds me of the end of Josh and I, a not really difficult topic since I am happier. But I don't want the memories. The memories are the dirty nasty bitches who won't leave me alone and I finally got to stop calling me names and reminding me constantly that I am not good enough for anyone. That I won't find anyone. I fought them off after months of giving into them, I realized that by telling me all those horrid things, it was just the only way to make sure I stayed there, I didn't have the strength to leave. Because what if he was right?

PTSD was something that I heard about for non-stop. The warning signs, the symptoms, the phone numbers. All the while reminded by military men that I was not as important as The Soldier. The Soldier should be put first. The Soldier should not be reminded that home life was still going on. That it was hard. That I was hurting. The Soldier's sole focus should be on The Mission. I was not The Mission. And once he was home, they reminded me again of PTSD. That I shouldn't aggravate him. That I should let him acclimate at his own leisure. Only..he didn't. Things got worse. There was no acclimation to normal life again because the man that I got back from Iraq was not the one I had sent. And on top of all those things. On top of his meanness and belittling was the line. "Stop arguing with me. You're aggravating my PTSD" was his 'joking' way of getting out of an argument. Of getting his way.

Doing this presentation made me realize that he may have had a bit of it. But in the end, he is the one who created it in ME. I avoid so many things I used to enjoy because of him. Things I loved once, I can't even think about doing again. Most of all, it has made me even more terrified of verbal arguments in a relationship. Because I remember the belittling, the yelling, being told so many untrue and unnecessary things (don't feel too bad, I said my fair share of mean things myself. Only after I was provoked already, and only after I started working again, and started feeling like I was a person again. It took me a long time to stand up and say I'm better than that. I don't need to be treated like this. Maybe it was too late, maybe it just was and what happened needed too. I know that in so many, many ways I'm better off. Still my heart hurts for my baby. Who's sole request right now is to have us live in one house and I can't. Even if he could. I couldn't. I couldn't go back to the person I was. The person I am now would destroy his little world because I won't put up with anything now. That got long...)

So, in the end, I needed to do some research on what REAL PTSD is. To understand it, to acknowledge it, to learn more about myself and find ways to be ok with things I can't fix, and fix things I can.

It's been a long year, part of it terrible, part of it wonderful. But now things are looking up. Finally, my life isn't about what is best for The Soldier. I hope one day they realize that by completely focusing on The Soldier, they destory The Wife and The Family before it's too late. But now, anything military makes me twitch so I'm not going there.