In which I (attempt) to give plasma

I've thought about it for a long time. Ok so I was originally dragged in because they give you money, and all you have to do is allow them to put a needle in your vein. Now, a few years ago I would have said "ALL you have to do? ALL. Needle, vein, HELLO!" But I would like to think I've calmed down since then. Or I just need money and this is stuff I can make without trying. Who knows.

But I made the original appointment and when I had to miss class, I had to cancel it because it is two hours away and the class is Coding. Coding is an evil bitch in a 2000 plus page book, and a few other books that are a few hundred pages and you use them much like a dictionary, and cross reference the numbers. Confused yet? Me too. And I have two weeks left in the semester.

So, I rescheduled the appointment for last Friday and arrange a time to meet my friend Emily for supper. I then get lost on the way there because apparently the people who wrote Mapquest have never actually driven the roads they claim to know and it hasn't been updated in three years (how do I know this? My aunts house isn't even ON mapquest, but this isn't the point) so they of course give me the wrong streets. I find a gas station to pee at because they had told me to drink a lot of water, and I'd finished two bottles of water before the trip. I had to stop twice to pee on that trip. The girl at the counter was kind enough to give me directions in women-speak (meaning only left or right because I start to drool if you say North, South, East and West) And I follow her directions and get there with 15 minutes to spare, but there was almost no parking. Sigh. I squeeze my tiny Focus into a spot and head into the building with the paperwork they require. Forgetting my book in my haste of finding the paper work. I realize I will be spending the entire time reading old magazines. Sigh.

At first I see this bright, clean and huge place filled with medical machines whirring away and a ton of files at the front desk and I then realize I may need to speak with some guy at the front. Now I don't know why, but men at the desk asking me my health history make me panic. I don't want to talk to you about anything, go away. But of course. I get the man. Luckily I am sent back with a woman who scans my right middle finger for id purposes. Then verifies my identification paper work and fills it out. They run into a problem because my ZIP isn't on their 'ok' list so she gets the Supervisor, a woman in her thirties who stares me down and says snottily, "Why are you here?" Uh to give plasma, bitch. What the fuck do you think I'm doing? Playing golf?

But instead, I say calmly "I have family in town." and and she stares a minute longer before saying "You check this box" waits for her to do it and then walks away. After this she brings me over to the end of the large square counter where she says she'll test my blood for iron levels.

She first has me scan my finger then she says she will be pricking the other hand to not compromise the scan for the rest of that day. She first pricks my middle finger on the left, "Ok, that didn't hurt at all!" I think "Which means it didn't work" and it didn't. She couldn't get blood. She says "Did you drink water today "Yes!" I almost say "I had to stop twice to pee on the way here!" But I realize this is not necessary. So she pricks the ring finger and this time it HURT. So of course it worked and she got enough blood. But then it just kept bleeding. Hmph. I attempt to hold the gauze on the two fingers and then realize I would need my right hand. I move my hand to do it and she says "You are not supposed to hold it with that hand." I nod and set the gauze on the counter "You are not supposed to set the gauze on the counter. You can not let the wounds open to the air on the floor, you can either use the gauze or a bandaid." I grab two bandaids and she helps me get them on.

Then it's weight time. Like any normal woman, I remove my shoes, which are flip-flops, and step on. I'm leaning forward to see the number because I weighed myself before I left and I knew the number. Their number was higher, by about ten pounds. I was about to inform her that their scale was obviously broken. She then looks over and says "Don't lean forward. Oh you are not supposed to have bare feet in here at all! You need to put your shoes back on." I resist the urge to stick out my tongue and put my flip-flops back on and step onto the scale, not leaning forward. She then tells me she got the weight. This time it was only six pounds higher, still. Their scale is broken.

She then takes me to complete my computer work about my health history and to read the forms online. I scan my finger in at the front to check if I am in the system, I am. I then go to the computer with the woman and scan again. She says to make sure the screen looks like this. I nod and start the questionnaire. I hit the first "Yes" that I want to begin and she stops me. And proceeds to speak to me about how to use a touch screen for five minutes. I nearly stopped her to say, "Lady, it's a stupid touch screen. You touch it. You read it, you touch it. What the hell do you need to talk about?" Instead I nod and smile. She finally leaves and I'm in peace. YES! Finish the computer work quickly and then take a seat to wait for the next RN.

The RN comes out quickly. Leads me to an office and starts her questions. She takes my heart rate, blood pressure and checks my body for markings and problems through clothing. Makes me walk around a bit and has me sit down. Then asks about piercings, tattoos, surgeries, diseases etc. Marks all of my piercings, even the long closed ones, and tattoos on a small cartoon person on the paper and if the hole is open or closed. How long I've had it, and so on. Once finished she gives me a bottle of water and tells me to choose a snack. I grab the Cheez-it grips. Do not ever do this. These are baby finger sized. I dropped half of them on the waiting room floor and got down to clean it up because I knew that they knew I had them. I also knew these people had needles, and they were going to use them in my vein.

I grab two magazines because I left my book at home. They call me to the back and I think "Do not let me be put with Hotty McHotpants over there." I'm not, but I'm still put with a guy. I was not impressed because when I had first arrived a cute little woman was in charge of that section. So I sit in the strangely shaped chair and wait for the man to come and put things in my veins. Listening to the whir and swoosh from the machines. He comes over and starts what I think is a blood pressure cuff at first. He then says it is a tourniquet and it will help him not check on the needle so often.

My right arm is chosen, even though the machine is on my right, so the tubing is stretched over my lap. Which makes me realize that I will be looking at my blood for over an hour, sitting in my lap. I'm not squeamish but this is weird. He gets the blood for the two vials he needs. But the blood isn't moving as fast as he'd like. I'm not surprised because my right arm is a bitch in medical procedures. It just is. So he has the other man come over and mess with the needle a bit, which hurts. And he messes with it, which hurts. I think about hitting them but remember that they have a needled still inserted in my arm and this would be a bad idea.

After the messing they determine my other arm will have to do. This vein is marked by a woman, then swabbed and inserted. When they go to rehook me to the machine they can't open the tubing again. She runs for two pairs of pliers. The tubing is finally reopened and they find that my blood has clotted in the tubes and is therefore not safe to put back in my body. I was slightly disappointed because I wanted to see my plasma. However I left there $20 richer. With four extra holes of course. But still, it didn't take as long as I had thought so I was happy.